Over the years I have searched for books that might help jump start my faith again. Because my faith is fickle, I admit that my attempts might have been a little half assed, but the fact that I had to dig so much was pretty discouraging. And these kinds of barriers can quickly deter someone with a fickle faith.
Lent started two days ago and I have already struck out with the first two books I tried to read. One was I Don’t Have Enough Faith to Be An Atheist by Norman L Geisler and Frank Turek, and the other was Holy Moments by Matthew Kelly. This blog post is in no way a review of the books nor a critique on their writing or merit. In fact, I have read and enjoyed many books from Matthew Kelly. However, these two books, and others I tried, weren’t what I’ve been searching for.
In a way, these books, as well as the dozens of others that I have started and stopped, felt like they were preaching to the choir. Or they were too academic feeling (I Don’t Have Enough Faith to Be An Atheist) or too fluffly (Holy Moments). I was looking for something in the middle. Something smart and meaty, but which also made me feel something.
So I did a Google search for “books on struggling with faith” and found Faith Unraveled: How a Girl Who Knew All the Answers Learned to Ask Questions by Rachel Held Evans. *Disclaimer: I am only on Chapter 8 and am in no way endorsing the book or the author. I don’t know the author’s background and, to be honest, don’t care at this point. Right now I’m just looking for a book or podcast or anything to make me feel something again, and I think a story about a crisis of faith can be relatable across different religions.
So I’m reading about this girls upbringing in the evangelical (I think) Christian faith. The first 4-5 chapters detail her experience growing up in this environment. I thought I would get bored reading the origin story of some girl I never heard of, but it was pretty fascinating to learn how some Christians are raised, plus it really set the context for the crisis that was coming in the following chapters.
The turning point for her was watching the execution of a Muslim woman on tv, and I started crying when I read what she described. I was so surprised to find myself crying because I didn’t understand at first *why* I was crying. Yes, it was absolutely horrific and heartbreaking to read of the torture and killing of this woman and the heinous things that were done to her family. And I did cry for them. But there was something else too.
The only way I can describe it is: as I read about the author discovering the first cracks in her faith, I guess subconsciously my heart broke about my own crisis of faith. I don’t know. I just felt a deep sadness. I think. I’m still processing it.
When I finished that chapter, I really had to get to work. But something made me come to my computer, impulsively create a blog, and just start writing. I want to connect with others out there who might be struggling in their faith and who might be looking for something or someone to relate to.
Doing this type of faith sharing has been on my heart for literally 15+ years. But, again, my faith is fickle, so I never followed through. Until now, apparently.
I’m not an expert. I don’t have any answers. I’m just trying to navigate this lostness and maybe sharing my experiences / reflections / discoveries could help others who are searching too.